Happy

Dear Evie,

This morning when I went to get you out of bed to start our day, I said to you, "Good morning, how are you?"  You said, "I'm happy!  You happy, Mama?"  I said, "Sweetie, anytime I'm with you I'm happy."

I have been thinking a lot lately about whether I am making the right decisions in working full-time and going to school full-time.  I worry about how much time it's taking me away from you in these crucial first few years of your life.  I'll be the first to admit that I'm not stay-at-home-mom material.  I am not creative enough, patient enough, or motivated enough to devote 100% of my time and energy during the day to raising a child.  That's not because I don't love you infinitely; it's just my own short-comings in those areas.  I feel that there are people who are better equipped, better gifted with creativity, motivation, and patience, who can provide you the right balance of learning, playing, discipline, and affection.

So even though I wouldn't choose to be a stay-at-home-mom for your sake as much as my own, I have become just slightly regretful of the time I'm having to devote to both work and school.  I am going back to school again to make our lives better.  I want to find an area of employment that's actually of interest to me, as opposed to my current line of work, and that will make more money so that we can be better off financially, and that will leave me feeling proud of myself.  I think all those things will be benefits to us all in the long-term.  A happy Mama will definitely be a good example for you, whereas a Mama who feels like she's just biding her time at a job she's only moderately interested in.... well, that's not the kind of example I want to be for you, and, frankly, it's not the kind of life I want to have for myself.

But I think about how much I'm missing with you.  What if I could pick you up at 2:30 every day when school got out and we could spend lots of time reading together, playing together, going on outings together...  Like we did last year when I was just working.  What if my weekends were spent taking you places, teaching you things...  Not that we don't do plenty of that.  I still read to you, make crafts and art projects with you, take you on outings, teach you tons.  But there are times when I have to say, "I'm sorry, baby, Mama has to go work/do homework/do the dishes," when all I want is to play with you.  I try as much as possible to get things done while you're at school or asleep for nap time or bed time.  But every time I have to step away to do something, I question whether this is all worth it.  I hope it is.

I know there are positives to this.  You and Daddy get one-on-one time that you probably wouldn't otherwise.  You learn patience while waiting on me.  You learn to be self-sufficient because I don't just do anything and everything for you.  You're learning independence.  All of these are great and wonderful.  And I know we still have a very strong, loving bond.  But I can't help but worry that I'm missing your sweetest, tenderest years, where I see you blossoming into a child every week.  I am soaking it all in, but sometimes I wish I had a few more hours in the day or the ability to stop time so that I could be sure that I'm making the most of it.

I love you so much.  I hope that the long-term benefits of this crazy life I'm leading right now will outweigh the cost of missing some time I'd rather spend with you.  I feel like I might blink and you'll be 4 and I'll have graduated from my program and wonder, where'd that toddler go?  Where did that 3-year-old run off to?

Life really is full of tough choices.  If I am not making the right one here, please forgive me.  You will always come first, even though right now, day-to-day, I don't feel like I'm putting you first...  But I truly am.  I'm trying to make your life better down the road and show you that you're never too old, too set in your path to change it and make your life better. 

Love,
Mama