David

Dear Evie,

Two weeks ago this evening, your great-uncle David passed away.  I'm not sure that you and David ever met.  I myself hadn't seen him in over a year, and I don't think your paths would have crossed.  David had a long battle with mental illness that had become very difficult in the last several years, and we generally felt it best that your generation, you, Addie and Will, not be around him in his then-current state.

But I have very fond memories of David from when I was a child and in adolescence.  David and I loved to sing together and he introduced me to many oldies.  We enjoyed singing "Rollin' on the River" by Creedence Clearwater Revivial, and anything by Elvis Presley.  David knew how to have a good time while singing and I loved when he tried to imitate as closely as possible whoever was singing - that's something I still do when I sing along with the radio.

David's passing has been different from any other loss that I've experienced before.  I never knew David before his illness started, but I have heard so many stories about what a fun, smart, talented guy he was.  He had a big heart and made jokes, didn't take life too seriously and enjoyed doing what he loved.  People love people like that, and I get the impression that most everybody loved David before his brain failed him.  But the kind of mental illnesses he had changed him and he wasn't much like his old self, especially in the last several years.  He lost his love of life, had delusional thoughts, and just became a different person, according to other family members.  While this new person still had some part of David's personality and I still enjoyed many moments with him, I have heard those who knew him before and after say that it was like losing him already but having to deal with someone else in David's body.  Grandma Jeanne has said to me many times that some things are worse than death.

So, in that regard, having David's body pass on was a relief, much like you would feel for anyone with a terminal illness.  It's an end to suffering - and he did suffer so much in his mind.  I'm glad that he can finally rest and be at peace, and I'm glad that Grandma Jeanne is not having to deal with all of the many issues that came with the care of David in these later years.

I have gained a lot of understanding of and compassion for people with mental illness and their families because of David.  I cannot imagine having an adult child just disappear seemingly overnight.  Frankly, it's one of my biggest fears and I pray that that will never happen to you.  Mental illness is so poorly understood and so stigmatized.  I hope that by the time you are old enough to read this, we will be closer to understanding it and have better treatments.

But I think the take-home message I would want you to hear is this: mental illness is an illness like any other chronic illness and you shouldn't be unkind toward or place blame on the people who have these chemical imbalances in the brain.  I am not at all saying that you should actively try to put yourself in contact with mentally ill people or that the actions of the mentally ill should be white-washed.  You need to keep a healthy distance and perspective and you should never put yourself in harm's way, of course.  But try to have the same compassion for people with mental illness as you would have for people with diabetes or Alzheimer's or any other chronic or degenerating disease.  Their symptoms, though manifested in undesirable behavior and personality changes, are just as outside of their control as the symptoms for any other illness.  Be kind and understanding.  That should be your attitude toward everyone, mentally ill or not.  But you are such a sweetheart that I expect you'll do nothing else.

Love,
Mama