Parenthood Naivete

*Disclaimer: this is a little off-topic.  It's not directly about Evie, which is the main purpose of the blog, but sometimes something just comes into your head and you want to write it somewhere.  This is an appropriate enough place, I guess, since perhaps Evie will go back and read this before she has children.  And if so, perhaps this will apply.

So.  I have a lot of friends who are pregnant and due in the next couple of months.  In fact, one of my friends is being induced today.  And in discussions with these friends, I realize that there are a slew of misconceptions about parenthood that I had before Evie joined our family and I hear my friends saying the same things Seth and I naively believed.  Here are a few:

1. I'll just do that while the baby is sleeping.  No, you won't.  Before we had Evie, I thought that Seth and I would hang out, watch our TV shows, take care of housework, do our school work, hang out with the dogs...  Almost none of this actually happens.  There are a lot of reasons why you don't actually get anything done while the baby is sleeping:
1. You're so exhausted that you are likely to fall asleep yourself.  And even if you don't, you just want to lie in bed or on the couch or wherever you plopped and not have to move or think about someone else's needs for a couple of hours.
2. You're so afraid that the baby will wake up and need you that you don't want to start something you know you can't finish.  I can't tell you how many times we started to watch a movie or TV or do laundry and within 15 minutes, Evie would be awake.
3. You're afraid that even if the baby doesn't wake up of her own accord, whatever noise you or your spouse make might wake her up.  Perhaps this is different if you're willing to put your newborn in her crib from the get-go.  But after you read about SIDS and the fact that having babies sleep in a room where there are other people helps to prevent it, you pretty much won't leave the baby in a room by herself except in dire circumstances where you have to go to the bathroom and you're the only one home.
4. You end up just not caring.  Yes, all the dishes you own are dirty and you're eating with your fingers off of paper towels (I exaggerate only a little), but you end up deciding that it's not a big enough deal that it has to be done right then.  (And let me tell you, if you don't develop this attitude, you will be driven completely insane.  Just let it go...)
2. I can watch the baby and work at the same time.  No, you can't.  I know we live in a world of telecommuting (which I am so pleased to take advantage of 3 times a week myself), and it seems so simple.  I'll just put the baby in the bassinet and then work on my laptop.  The thing is, that baby is going to lose her pacifier and cry.  And then, after you put the paci in for her, she'll have a diaper blow out.  After you change her, you'll spend 15 minutes trying to get her back to sleep, and even though she's completely out while she's in your arms, the second you put her down, her eyes pop open and she wants to play.  And, believe me, you are going to want to play with her.  The moments where she is both awake and content are few and far between and you're not going to want to miss out on that.  But after playtime, you realize you haven't done tummy time with her in 2 days and you feel like a bad parent, so you get out the blanket and sit with her on the floor while she fusses and grunts and gets raging mad.  And then you feel like a worse parent because you forced your kid to do something she obviously hates.  Then you realize maybe she's just mad because she needs a bottle.  So you prep the bottle, or if you're nursing you get all of the accoutrement that comes along with that (glass of water, lanolin, burp cloth, etc) and then she eats for half an hour.  Because that's literally the minimum amount of time it takes a baby to finish 3-4 oz of milk.  During that half hour, you remember you were trying to work, so you get the laptop, but it's hard to balance baby and bottle and type at the same time.  You think you'll get some respite because her eyes are closing as she's eating and maybe it'll be naptime again.  But then you remember that if you don't get at least 3 good burps out of her she'll be screaming her head off in 15 minutes and that'll last for at least 1 hour.  So, commence burping...  You see what I'm saying?  There's no way you can possibly expect to get any real work done when you're the only person home and taking care of a baby.  Babies are unpredictable and time consuming.
3. We don't need bottles or formula; we're going to breastfeed.  I am certain that there are some people out there who really don't ever use bottles.  They don't go to places where they feel uncomfortable nursing.  I've seen women nursing in public.  I've even done it myself (reluctantly, and only at restaurants - not walking around the store).  And maybe they are never separated from their babies.  But what if they ARE?  I know a few moms who had to go out of town suddenly and couldn't take their babies, and some who had to go to the hospital for days with their other children and had to have people bring the baby to them every two or three hours to nurse.  Seems like having a bottle and pumped milk or formula would be nice for those times...  And I know it seems like breastfeeding, such a natural thing, should come... well, naturally.  But it doesn't.  For almost every mother there is some kind of difficulty with breastfeeding.  I didn't know that before I had Evie.  I thought it was just me.  But after reading up on the many, many different kinds of issues people have and talking to lactation consultants, it turns out that the majority of moms and babies have a struggle somewhere along the line.  I'm not saying you shouldn't plan to do it or to fight through it, because it can absolutely be worth it.  I'm just saying, don't expect things to go 100% smoothly.  The other problem with nursing as a first-time mom is that you have no idea what the payoff is going to be.  You feel like you should do everything you possibly can to give what's best for your child.  You hear all of this stuff about breast is best, but you also hear that ultimately it's up to you and it's okay if you decide to use formula.  So you're conflicted.  You're worried your baby isn't getting enough (all moms worry about this, I learned), and you're so exhausted and tired of fighting just to feed your baby.  Formula seems like it would be so easy and convenient and you would know for sure how much she is getting and it wouldn't all be on you.  You'd get a break, someone else could feed the baby, and you might get some peace of mind.  But the trade off is that you'll feel like you failed...  And that's a reasonable (though untrue) thought, even without the influence of hormones.  Add those puppies into the mix and you end up bawling half-naked on the couch wondering why in the world this has to be so hard.

These are just 3 of the things that come to mind when expecting parents tell me their plans.  I never say anything to them directly because I remember being told about some of these things myself and thinking that probably I was more organized, calm, and well-adjusted than those people were and that I would probably be able to do it all.  I'm sure someone out there is a full-time working, nursing mom who has an immaculate house and finds time to still enjoy all the entertainment that she enjoyed before she had a baby.  Bully for her.  But I think most first-time parents are in for quite a shock at how much their lives change.  I know you always hear, "Your life will be changed forever," but I don't think you always equate that with: my daily routine will never be just about me anymore, I will never wake up whenever it's convenient for me, I will have my house taken over by baby stuff and will willingly give up some of my stuff to make room for her stuff...  It's the mundane things that you don't think about that surprise you.  But there's also a lot of joy in those things.  It's not bad to be naive going into parenthood.  It just makes for a wild ride.