My most darling girl,
We have just headed to bed at almost 11 pm on the eve of your 13th birthday, having spent the last hour or so snuggling on the couch to varying degrees of success as Siouxsie interrupts our peace by barking at the cats and then coming to the couch to try to join in our warmth. Staying up late is one of those privileges I've allowed you this year as you get closer to being a teen, though usually you prefer to stay up late on your own, banishing me to my room so you can enjoy the living room all on your own.
This year has been a doozy. You have navigated so much change since this time last year. I suspect you will look back on age 12 as one of the hardest times of your life. You dealt with your parents separating and divorcing, living away from our house for more than 2 months, changing schools, losing friends, having trouble making new ones, medication side effects, sprained ankles... not to mention all the emotions of puberty! It's been a tough year.
But I have seen so much growth in you. At the beginning of the school year, you were having panic attacks and saying every single day that you didn't want to go. Now, I've seen you talk yourself through anxiety moments, formulate plans for tackling hard projects or tough situations, and commit to attending school, karate, and play practice. You're helping more around the house and in the nursery at church, exploring volunteerism.
You're redefining yourself a little bit, branding yourself as the outsider at school, the one who doesn't fit in, but yet leaning into that for things like spirit days when you can dress up a little on the edge of the theme (like being Pink Sauce for Condiments Day). I'm seeing more and more of Evie who has her own sense of humor, her own personality, than the kid who goes along with things just so everyone gets along.
I think you may have been having to hide some of yourself and your emotions before, and now you seem more free to express them, to me at least. I think you had to walk on eggshells a lot, and felt like there wasn't room for your emotions. This year I've seen more outbursts from you than before, and that tells me that you feel safe to actually express yourself. You feel more empowered to speak up, not only at home but at school.
I've always envisioned you reading this blog when you yourself are a mother, because you might want it as a reference for when you need answers about what you were doing when you were whatever age. So with that in mind, I'm going to share some mother thoughts that I certainly wouldn't share with you now at almost 13. I feel so guilty. In so many ways. I feel guilty that I couldn't give you the childhood I had envisioned for you and that I enjoyed myself, with a stable home and parents who got along and got through whatever troubles there always are in marriages. I promise you that I tried as hard as I could, and leaving was the last resort. And I feel guilty for maybe waiting too long... Maybe too much of your childhood was spent knowing that your parents were struggling and unhappy, and you spent too long living in the uncomfortable environment that created for you. I feel guilty for the times I didn't step in and make sure you were feeling safe, and for the times I overstepped and took away your opportunity to speak up for yourself.
You've said you think things are better now, that you're happier. I don't know how you'll feel about how this was all handled when you're grown up and have that adult perspective, but I hope you know that I've always wanted to do what's right for you. For a long time, I thought that was keeping our family together at whatever cost. I've thought so many times about the different scenarios - if we had separated earlier, if we hadn't separated at all - and what those would do to you. Some day when you're a grown-up, we can chat about those "what if" scenarios and you might feel like I do that the timing was right, considering all that happened last summer. Or maybe you'll feel like I should have made a different choice.
What I know for sure is this: you are still the most perfect, incredible old soul. You see people and situations in a way that is beyond the maturity I've seen from some adults... You focus on how people treat others and let that determine whether you like them or not. You don't try to change yourself to fit in with people, even if it means you are a bit lonely in a group. You want the best for people; you're selfless like that. You're not interested in putting anyone else down in order to lift yourself up, which is why it's so hard for you to understand middle school girl drama. You're mature beyond your years in so many ways.
And yet you're still a kid too. You get goofy and silly and unreasonably angry and forgetful and shy and whiny - and you're supposed to. And I enjoy every bit of that as much as I enjoy when you come out with one of your old soul comments. Yes, I even enjoy you when you get mad at me.
You are the greatest gift. This year, I know that more than ever. Your childhood looks different than what I had imagined and strived so hard to preserve for you, but I hope I still find the way to make it right for you, to make it what you deserve. I hope you always know that I love you.
With all the love in my heart,
Mama
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